


Love is not a sin

by YassBanrion



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Insecure Alec Lightwood, POV Alec Lightwood, Sad Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 12:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YassBanrion/pseuds/YassBanrion
Summary: Alec ponders his relationship with Magnus, and his own fears, while everything is still a secret.





	Love is not a sin

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before I read the Red Scrolls of Magic so it is slightly off canon, but not enough to be AU! I imagine it happening within the timeframe of City of Ashes!

Alec’s heart was beating so loud he was fairly certain Magnus could probably hear it. This was the reaction he always had when he woke up in Magnus’ loft, in his bed. He wondered if he would ever get used to the warlocks sleeping presence or if he would always feel like this. Like every time they were together it felt new, and exciting, and scary.

But then perhaps it was the undertone of fear that was attached to their, relationship? Alec wasn’t entirely sure what to call it. They were dating, definitely dating. But it was on shaky ground at best. Alec knew that Magnus was getting tired of the secrets, and the hiding. 

Alec didn’t blame him. Magnus had lived hundreds of years, he had clearly put hiding behind him. But it was new for Alec, and it felt overwhelming. The thought of telling his parents, his father, was so terrifying it made him nauseous.

He would dream at night, horrible dreams, where his father hated him. Where he was stripped of his marks and turned away from his people. They left him feel scraped out from the inside, hollow. 

He wanted to tell them, he wanted to tell everyone. But he just couldn’t do it, he couldn’t find the courage. He didn’t know what scared him more, revealing his secret or losing Magnus. At this rate he was slipping through his fingers, he could almost taste the heartbreak of when Magnus inevitably cut him loose. 

He had tried to tell Jace, but the words never seemed to get out of his mouth. The fear bubbling up and cutting off what he was trying to say. Telling Jace would mean that Jace would know how Alec felt about him, or well how Alec thought he felt about him. 

He was starting to question it. He didn’t feel about Jace the way he felt about Magnus, not really. He loved Jace, fiercely, but not in the same burning way he felt about Magnus. Like he would burst into flames every time Magnus touched him. 

Every time Magnus kisses him he tastes fire, like an electrical storm brewing inside him. Every time Magnus touches him he leaves a trail of sparks in his wake. Alec never would have thought he would have what he had with Magnus.

When they had moved on from kissing Alec knew he was lost in Magnus. He had thought having sex with Magnus would be as wild and unpredictable as Magnus himself. But it wasn’t. Magnus was so gentle with Alec it made his heart ache. He whispered beautiful things to him and made him feel like the most important person in the world. 

It scared and exhilarated Alec that he had never been physically, or emotionally, closer to another living person than he had with Magnus. Magnus had seen him in a way nobody else ever had, had touched him in a way nobody ever had.

Years of conditioning made him feel like what he felt was a sin, that it somehow made him less of a man. He repeated to himself like a mantra that these feelings were not weird, or wrong, that the way he felt about Magnus couldn’t be anything but beautiful.

He knew he had to be brave, had to put the feelings of shame to one side. How could he be ashamed of someone like Magnus, someone so amazing, and smart, and kind and brave. How could he be ashamed of someone who cared for him so much. Of someone who thought he was interesting and beautiful and worth fighting for. 

His thoughts were whirling so much he didn’t notice Magnus moving until he his hand was on his chest. Alec turned to face him, breath catching at how beautiful he looked in the morning. Magnus smiled, “Alec, I’m pretty sure your brain working overtime woke me up, what are you thinking about?”

Alec shifted and buried his face in Magnus’ neck, breathing in the scent of sandalwood. Willing his heart to stop pounding. He squeezed his eyes shut as a tear rolled out. Magnus had to feel it against his neck, but he didn’t say anything.

He was used to giving Alec a moment to compose himself, when everything got too much. 

“I was thinking about you”, he whispered. 

It was the truth, it would always be the truth, because Alec never stopped thinking about him.

Magnus wrapped his arm around Alec’s back pulling him closer. He hooked his leg around Alec’s. He held him impossibly close, as if he could shelter him from the world. He didn’t say anything, he just held him.

As they lay there, their soft breathing the only sound in the room, Alec felt incredibly safe. He felt loved. He repeated his mantra to himself and he prayed that tomorrow he’d be brave.


End file.
